Trojan Hero UNPLAYED

Before we continue, we’d like to make it clear that Lee Tharjick is his own entity and that the views portrayed in this article, are the thoughts of Lee Tharjick and not that of IncGamers. With that in mind, we feel we cannot restrict Lee’s creativity by forcing him to work within boundaries so we accept his indiosyncrasies and hope you do too.
Incredibly, a web based flash game wouldn’t have been my first choice for a review.  For some reason I’m reminded of that famous saying, “what would be more painful: sliding down a razor with only your bollocks for brakes or playing a flash-based video game?”After consulting the devil’s lettuce, I decided that the razor option was too much effort.  In fact all things were going to be too much effort.  And if I were to put more effort into telling you how little effort I have to offer then I’d be all out of effort again. I’m not made of effort.Anyway, Flash games. Or stinky, brown tedium nuggets as I like to call them.  They’re the gaming equivalent of a Uwe Boll film – unoriginal and simplistic, with less depth than your average Scooter album.   Trojan Hero, then, is a game which expects you to walk around a beach killing things with your sword and defending yourself with a shield from a barrage of soldiers who end up looking like messy red cottage cheese. Arrow keys and A for attack and D for defend. And that’s it. “Oh but it’s the simplicity that really makes the game stand out” says the wacky office joker who distributes this shit like a prostitute with a dose. He is, of course, wrong. Rather, it’s the fact that people at work will play anything to take their minds off the fact that they’re sitting in a little grey cubicle making small talk with cretins every day. So anyway, you can imagine my delight when the management told me I had to review a Flash game.However, instead of pursuing this mindless exercise, I picked up the phone.  It’s difficult to resist the bouncing mountains and beautifully curved ravines of sleek and soft women at three in the morning with only a widowed farmer 23 miles away as your closest neighbour.   And you can’t shag him twice.“Hello, is that Roxy?”
“Yeah, this Roxy,”
“Do like flash?”
“I do have  webcam if you want.  It  cost, but no more than telephone call.  You request me do stuff, and I be doing it…”
“With all due respect, love, the kind of things I request can get you arrested.  So I want to know if you like flash-based-games.”
“I have special service on website for mens who like  crazy stuff…”
“Look darling, I invented specialist websites. What I want to know is do you like flash-based games like Trojan Hero, or do you not play them.”
Her voice changes.
“Ooooh, you really are naughty boy!  I’ve got lots of toys …”
“Useless!”Confused, I picked up the phone again but this time called my mate and ex-dealer Mikiwa.  I don’t know where he’s from.  I think it’s Croydon, or was it Cumbria?  Either way, all the games I played between 1990-1994 I played with him. “Miki.”
“Lee.”
“Flash-based videogames?”
“Shit.”
“People who like Flash-based videogames?”
“Probably sex offenders.  Should be shot.”
He hangs up.
Trojan Hero then.  All in all, a solid 8/10.