Ahead of Villareal’s clash with Betis, the board helpfully remind Andy Hole that he has promised to deliver the league championship. To reassure them of his professionalism and dedication to the job, he storms out of the pre-match press conference without answering a single question.
His arsehole mystique intact, Andy puts his mind to the task ahead: beating Betis.
Aware that Rukavina hasn’t exactly set the world on fire during his brief stint in goal, Mr Hole promotes 17-year-old Diego Lazaro from the under-19s squad. It’s a big responsibility, but Andy knows his young ‘keeper will be up to the challenge.
Happy with how the formation worked against US Avranches, Mr Hole sticks with the same plan for Real Betis. The pre-match analysis seems positive.
I Betis this is going to go well.
Once again, the team are commanded to mark everybody on Betis’ team as tightly as possible. The pre-match speech focuses (aggressively) on Andy’s expectation of a triumphant victory.
Left-back Jokic pulls a hamstring on 27 minutes. Luckily, one of Mr Hole’s three substitutes can actually play at left-back. On comes Jaume Costa.
Ten minutes later, Betis go 1-0 up.
SAD is right, caption.
The half-time stats suggest things aren’t going brilliantly. Mr Hole responds in the only way he knows how. Yelling at his players some more.
This doesn’t quite have the desired effect, and Betis go two up in the 56th minute.
More shouting is required, pronto.
But then the yelling kicks in and Villareal’s players do the decent thing by getting a penalty. Bakambu puts it away for 2-1. Twenty minutes left to play.
Mr Hole cracks the vocal whip and screams at the boys to get forward, but they can’t find a way through.
Unlucky, boys.
Something has to be done. Andy decides to shake things up at the club by making Player-Andy the new captain of the team, and making him the designated taker of all free-kicks, corners and throw-ins. For one glorious moment it appears Player-Andy can be set as vice captain as well, but Mr Hole eventually has to settle for leaving that “not set”.
Who even needs a vice-captain when you’ve got Andy?
Former captain Bruno doesn’t seem to understand the importance of these changes. Mr Hole tells him “I can’t believe how unprofessional you’re being”, then informs the media that Bruno’s future “is bleak”. The complaining player is sent to the under 19s squad as a just punishment.
One game into the league season, Mr Hole’s position is rated by the board as “insecure”.
Leiva skips training again, and has to hand over another two week’s wages.
Andy’s first home game of the season looms, in the form of Espanyol. It goes about as well as you’d expect.
Okay, perhaps one or two changes are needed.
Mr Hole tries to sarcastically suggest that this was “a pleasing performance”, but something gets lost in translation and the team take him seriously.
The fans profess themselves “devastated” by the 5-0 loss. Villareal’s board begin to suspect that the hiring of Mr Andy Hole may have been a little rash. The team are bottom of the league after two games.
Against all rational expectation though, the next game brings a barnstorming 3-0 victory over Granada. Andy celebrates in the only way he knows how. By buying somebody else with the name of Andy. Three million quid should do the trick.
That headline is … completely fair.
In a week of unusual highs, Jokic wins the Spanish goal of the week award for his 25 yard effort against Granada. Confidence is slightly above rock bottom for a Europa League game against Monaco.
Sadly, due to an administrative oversight, 17-year-old goalkeeping sensation Diego Lazaro is unregistered for this competition. So it’s back into the nets for Antonio Rukavina.
Monaco score after 33 seconds, and wrack up another four before half-time.
There’s only one thing to do. Put Player-Andy in goal for the second period.
If only he could play in every position at once.
It works for all of seven minutes, when Monaco get their sixth goal. The damage ends at 7-0. Andy has a lot of press conferences from which to storm out.
Unbelievably, the board’s view is still that Mr Hole should only be performing “slightly better” as head coach. Perhaps Villareal really are the world’s friendliest club.
Their breaking point is a 6-0 away defeat to bottom of the table Malaga. Andy Hole retreats into his office and refuses to take any more questions from the poisonous media. Former players begin openly criticising the team. The board express disappointment.
A team meeting about the state of play ends with Mr Hole blaming the players for everything.
The board demand a meeting of their own, suggesting that a refusal to attend will result in Andy’s dismissal. Hole waves away their concerns about team disharmony, but makes some half-hearted promises to address it in order to satisfy their pathetic demands.
Aware that he needs to consolidate his power, Andy Hole acts swiftly to terminate the contracts of all coaching, fitness and scouting staff except himself. All team business is conducted by Mr A. Hole and Mr A. Hole alone. You can’t dispense with the indispensable.
Sacked, sacked, sacked, you’re all SACKED.
Remarkably, it takes another three weeks of this absolutely insane behaviour before the axe falls. The 14-0 loss to Barcelona might have had something to do with it too. Andy Hole leaves Villareal bottom of the league and out of Europe, with no staff, a locker room of upset, angry players, and a transfer budget tied up on players named Andy.
“Fire in the Hole”, surely? Come on media, don’t make me do your job for you.
As someone who tends to avoid the more aggressive, heavy-handed responses in Football Manager 2016 (and prior installments), this experiment proved pretty insightful. Nobody really cares all that much if you storm out (or offer “no comment”) at every press conference; and even if you’ve just won 3-0, there are some players who will still respond to being told off and urged to do better. Andy Hole’s downfall was more down to insane tactics and an obsession with players named Andy than his volatile temperament.
Villareal’s board took far too long to act when Mr Hole was in his insane “firing all the staff” phase, and seemed a little too lenient of things like 6-0 defeats to teams at the bottom of the league, but broadly acted in a sensible manner in the end. Taking an absurdly hard line with the players tended to upset them, but most seemed to somewhat acclimatise to Andy’s bizarre and unpredictable behaviour. Stick to your belligerent guns in Football Manager 2016, and it seems it can actually work; but only if you have the on-field results to back up your demented decisions off it.
Published: Nov 13, 2015 07:55 pm